lol fuck you

Just because you’re frustrated with somebody else doesn’t mean you have to get angry  at me, wow. fuck

NO. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU ALL. I NEED THIS. I NEED THIS TO BE OKAY. I NEED US TO BE OKAY AGAIN. I CAN’T DO THIS. I NEED HIM. WE’RE GOING TO FIX THIS. AND THEN YOU BOTH TELL HIM HE NEEDS TO MOVE ON. AND NOT ‘WAIT FOR ME’. AND TELL HIM I ‘COULD DO THIS AGAIN.’ THIS ISN’T MY FUCKING FAULT. WE BOTH DECIDED ON THIS. NONE OF YOU HAVE A CLUE WHAT HAPPENED OR IS HAPPENING. THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE. it’s nice to know you think I am that type of person. nice to know you think I’m doing all this. Nice to know you think I’m going to fuck him over. you wouldn’t have a clue. Do you really hate me that much? this has just made everything so much worse. and it’s probably all a misunderstanding on your behalf but this HURTS.

and then I was talking to him and the phone cut out before i could say goodbye. the battery died. and now i have left about 20 missed calls but the phone’s not turning back on. i hate this. i can’t do this. i can’t.

Because

Today we broke
after six years
We broke.
We said goodbye. We cried like we’ve never cried before.
And I realised I didn’t want this. I don’t want this at all. I don’t want us to be over. I am not ready for us to be over.
After all that we went through, I want you. I want us to be okay.
That is all I want. I don’t want you alone. I don’t want you loving someone else.
I don’t want to be happy without you.
I want to be with you. And I will make it happen, in any way I can.
I will push us through the rain, push us through distance, push us through the tears
Because I am broken, and you’re broken
You’re my safe haven, my home away from home, my escape, my outlet. My everything. I want you in my life. More than anything right now.
I don’t want to move away and experience it without you. I don’t want to be the fuck up girlfriend anymore, either. I am going to change. I will change everything for you. 

I also weighed myself thismorning and according to the scales dad brought home I am 49kgs
I don’t know if I trust them though

No you do not have a problem like this
you’re just normal if not somehow affected slightly more than other because you have been exposed
You are always the same
You eat whatever you want all the time, you flaunt your body in tight clothes and little dresses. Stop trying to want something like this because it is HELL. 

Why do I have to think like this?
I get it in my head that I will do it healthily, forget the stupid things my head is saying and become a positive ball of radiant health inside and out.
Yet someone comes along and says something, something that makes me tick and like I was scared of, makes my lovely lady snap.
Society is fucked up and humans are being dragged along in a twisted, sick, messed up ride. I wish I wasn’t influenced by anything other anything that is worthwhile.
I dislike being ‘sick’, but then again I wonder am I really sick? Or do I just think I’m sick because of my head?
I don’t know. I hate everything.
I’m going away from this blog for a while.
 

A friend just told me she’s striving to be thinner than one of my thinnest friends, just because she’s hating on her and whatnot.
Why does my head take this as a challenge.
You don’t need to nor will be.
I don’t just want to be thinner lately, I want to be sexier.
I guess this calls for a serious change.
In more than one way.
I will be hot. I’ll beat you. 

I have this boy who has a crush on me like super bad and he won’t leave me alone
But he’s like one of my best friends
and it’s awkward because he’s like, I realllly miss you Sam, I can’t stop thinking about you.
And I don’t know what to say because I don’t want him to like me like that
He knows I have a boyfriend
I love my boyfriend, I don’t want my friend to have feelings for me.

On another note, I feel putridly fat but I have no idea how much I weigh
Also my hips seem smaller to me but my belly looks bigger? I don’t know. My thighs are fucking horrible.
I have my periods too so everything as all la bloat.
I hate bodies. I hate food. 

Smashed my tragus in my sleep in now I am swollen and sore and irritated. Not to mention I have my periods, and have hardly slept lately and feel like shit. Have to go to the doctors for my ear now. Rang work to ask if I could work tomorrow and friday instead of today due to my ear needed attention sooner rather than later and the vulture was a right patronising, condescending bitch and made me feel more like absolute fucking shit than I am already feeling. She got all frosty at me and when I said I could come in today if it was that much of a hassle I just got all of the “There’s SO much work I need done TODAY because YOU haven’t been here for TWO weeks. Well, one, but there’s a lot of stuff. Someone will have to come in to do and now I don’t know if there’ll be any work tomorrow or on friday because they might get it all done today. You can’t come in today if you can’t come in.” 
 Okay, sorry that I went to my uni and when I started this job I explained to yoyu that I did uni full time and there would be times where I had to go away and all of that stuff. You said that was fine and ‘we will work around you’. How are you going to do that when you’re cranky all of the time? I have been there since sometime in February. I have had two days off now. I was vomiting the first time, and now this. I know that it’s not great to have time off, of course, and that it is my first few months BUT I did NOT plan to vomit NOR did I plan on having a fucking swollen face. 
Now I have to ring at 4pm this-afternoon so you can tell me whether or not there will in fact be any work for me to do tomorrow or on Friday.
Sorry, but there’s always work there?
and why would there not be work on Friday? I always work Fridays you cow. 
Sorry, but I cannot stand her. Her and her jenny craig chocolate mousse and see through t-shirts. You can’t pull off black sheer when you’re wearing a white bra and exposing your sagging, ageing stomach and back.
If only Steve had of picked up his phone thismorning and I wouldn’t have had to speak to Tracey the vulture.
I love how she doesn’t seem to care for anyone else’s feelings but her own. I know you can’t sympathise for everyone or help that anyone else has a problem especially when you’re a boss but you don’t have to be so stone cold rude about everything. She is always complaining about how stressed she is but yet she doesn’t have a clue what the fuck is going on in mine so she has no right to judge me. I dont care if I’m going overboard with the complaining and ranting. I hate her. She’s even had several complaints by her own customers. The only reason she has money and a business is because she’s married to the boss.
She’s a spiteful, fucked up cow and I want to throw bricks at her face.